Feeling Unwanted in a Relationship?

It makes sense, as the reason for being in a relationship to begin with, that you should feel close, wanted and desired. 

New relationship energy (or NRE) wears off.  Relationships often disappoint and can grow boring, disconnected, and different.  It is common to suddenly catch feelings of frustration, a lack of desire, or sense other potential issues.  Partners can also have wildly different experiences of the same relationship.   Honestly, there could be many reasons why you may be feeling unwanted, including some causes related to a deeper problem with your self. 

So, you are probably thinking – “shit not only do I feel unwanted but now I’ve a deeper problem?”  Of course I don’t know if that is the case but I can offer some reasons how you know if you’re just dealing with the feeling unwanted, rather than another underlying issue in your relationship.

• You’re putting in much more energy into the relationship than your partner
• The relationship feels one-sided more often than not
• Your partner doesn’t initiate romance, sex, or intimacy
• Your sex life has altered (e.g. having sex less often, disinterest in trying new things)
• You’ve noticed they’ve pulled back compared to past efforts
• Disinterest in spending quality time with you
• Disinterest in physical touch (e.g. kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc.)
• Not engaging with your content on social media when they do with others
• Not listening to you when you share stories or voice your concerns
• Seeming attracted to or expressing attraction toward other people

That all being said (how many did you just check off?), is there a deeper meaning, or root cause, to reflect on and locate within yourself that has nothing to do with your partner and everything to do with you.  Insecurity.  Jealousy. Loneliness. Unhappiness in the relationship. Things have grown boring or stale. Sexual incompatibility. Romantic incompatibility. Unresolved trauma.  Past experiences of feeling unwanted by a partner

To swing the view to the opposite side – You could be taking this personally, too personally.   Could it have more to do with them rather than something you’re doing, are, or have done. Consider a few reasons why they might seem like they don’t want you – where something else is going on with them instead: Stress. Anxiety. Low libido. Body image issues. Cheating. Work problems. Mental or physical exhaustion. Distraction. Avoidance.  They could have  plenty of things going on in their life outside of their relationship to you.  

They may have an inability to tolerate close or intimate relationships with ANYONE no matter who they are involved with, which doesn’t have anything to do with you.

People with avoidant attachment issues typically feel uncomfortable with intimacy and expressions of emotion. If They have difficulty sharing their  feelings, could it be a sign of distancing because they are  afraid of getting close, and it is stressful for them, and not necessarily that they don’t want you? 

You can navigate this situation in different ways.

First, reflect on the feeling by yourself. Journal or meditate on this feeling in an effort to figure out where it could be coming from.  Talk it out with someone else – me, family? Even have a conversation with them, if you can.  When you talk, try to avoid blaming themfor how you feel – just be open and honest.

Switch things up romantically or sexually or it is time to start considering ending the relationship.  That may hit like a ton of bricks, and you may have other fears of not being in this relationship.  Honestly, those can be addressed when and if that time comes.  

It’s important to care for yourself, and separate from a relationship that is no longer working.  Stop waiting, wishing, and hoping that things will change. Ultimately, it’s up to you to work toward and find a relationship that feels best to you where you feel joy and your needs are being met, including feeling wanted, if that’s your goal.