For a couple: how you dine reveals what divides
Consider a night out in your intimate relationship. Its date night. You are both reaching hands out for the doorknob. Ready to head out. Then the question.
“Where do you want to go for dinner?”
Now, it is not a difficult question on surface. Many of you, however, were probably just triggered a bit by just reading it. It is no wonder. Plenty of evenings never happened and dinners go unordered and romances not sustained from the irritations and unmet role expectations surrounding this question. In my clinical practice working with couples (and even with individuals) this question, when expanded to include a couple’s entire dining out experience reveals so many of their dynamics. It becomes an entire exercise – It ranks amoung one of my favourites series of questions to use in therapy.
I want to share it with you in this article but first a couple disclaimers. Most of my thinking exercises use analogy, appreciative inquiry or motivational interviewing client’s in session on their unique experience. Like all aspects of therapy, I tailor it to the client. There is no 1. 2. 3. prescribe as a guide for the work.
It’s a collaborative and organic process and no two therapies are ever the same – alike certainly. So, where I will only be sharing a few possible examples here – in a session there could be anywhere from 3 to 20 different questions used and explored. A feature of this exercise is determined by a couple’s presenting issues and response to questions first out the gate.
A main purpose in this one is to ignite curiosity and to challenge their existing paradigm. As a third-party objective observer, it is easier to accept my insight conceptualization of their actual issue (which is never communication the most common presenting issue). An immediate mutually agreed upon example of their dynamic right in session is gold both from answer content but also the dynamic between them live in the session as the navigate the exercise.
So, the exercise is really providing a scenario and posing the initial question and then following up with additional questions that are appropriate based on their initial answers. Follow up questions aren’t leading as this is data collection not persuasion.
You and your partner are in a session with me, I start . . . (and you can do this exercise here and now, too).
“Okay, let me ask – I’m curious about how y’all are when you dine out?”
Both give me a HUH? Expression – “What do you mean?” wife or passive will say.
“Let’s say it is date night and y’all are going to do dinner – What’s that like?”
It is purposefully not a clear and directive start – by keeping it as open ended as possible they can choose where they want to start. While this isn’t an exhaustive list of all possible questions, these are some pretty good ones to track with.
How do you decide where to go? Who usually picks?
How do you get there? Together? Meet there? Home first?
How do you order? Separately? For the other?
Do y’all consult? Get your own? Share?
Who pays? Who asks for the check? How do they ask for that?
Do you take leftovers home?
Go anywhere else? Before or after?
Who gets ready quicker?
Let answers be expanded on and let dialogue about it occur. Watch each other as you negotiate your answers, as you change answers etc. Pay attention to pauses and your body language and eye contact and touching shifts. Can you name tones? Are getting any vibes that are oppositional, competitive, dismissive, nervous, complimentary of each other? What tones come up? IF there is an eye roll during any part of this exercise – you may as well call it a wrap – I’ll save an explanation for that in a future article.
To interpret what you said and what is experienced it is important to not think of it succinct and black and white. No – ABC means that XYZ happens. Stay clear of that type of definition. Example: with the question of how do you dress? Who dresses up and are both dressed up the same. The difference of time spent and investment of energy into appearing attractive. Effort that when disproportionate or under-appreciated points to attention seeking and unmet needs or if both fully engaged in appearance could be a relationship of performance for external benefits.
Since I can’t go into all the possible implications for all the questions – feel free to make comment or engage in the comments section. If I can share and help connect it with you, I will. Otherwise, if you are interested in learning more about this couples thought exercise or others that we can do in couples therapy, consider reaching out to me at david@reamtexas.com and set up an appointment or consultation.
