If you have ever received this advice, you would understand why I am not fond of it. It’s not necessarily bad on its own. I completely empathize with why someone might offer this advice when they are not fully engaged or unsure of what to say while listening to your obsess on your problems.
Some individuals might advise you to let go of negative emotions or grudges, believing that these feelings could hold you back. However, it’s possible they are simply trying to shield themselves from your negativity and avoid being affected by it.
There is good intention. Reframing focus on the present is seen as beneficial for personal growth and well-being, emphasizing moving forward instead of dwelling on the past. This isn’t untue.
The thing is – When people offer advice, they often do so from their own perspective and understanding, lacking insight from your point of view. It’s common for them to mix their agenda with yours.
For example . . . think about the last time you had a person crying in front of you. How did it make you feel that they were crying? Uncomfortable. Uneasy. What did you want? For them to not be crying, for them to stop hurting. We want to say the reason we wanted that and felt that way was for their benefit. It isn’t likely true. We want our own discomfort to stop. To go away. It is impossible to separate our own agenda from the person who is crying. It is tough to sit with someone who is crying to sit in pain with someone.
No one understands your needs better than you. If you’re holding onto something, there’s a valid reason behind it. This reason might not be immediately clear and could be rooted in the subconscious. Therapy can help bring these hidden thoughts to light. Understanding why you cling to something can help ease the pain over time.
When it’s not ideal to simply let go, what advice should you consider? Begin by shaking it off and facing it head-on. Rather than referencing the Taylor Swift song, let me share a story involving a donkey.
As a barefoot tree climbing river rat there was this peculiar event that occurred over at Valley Lodge, down the road from our farm. The owner there had an old silo that had been out of use for as long as I could remember. Used to go and hang over the edge of it to spit or hurl GI Joes down to the bottom of it. So, Bill the owner would chase me away saying how dangerous it was and how he keeps meaning to fill it up. So, one day I sneak back over to see how my sister’s Barbie fares the fall over a Chewbacca. There is Bill standing over the hole cursing. From the bottom of the silo hole, you could hear Jordie braying.
Jordie was the oldest animal in the world, a donkey that predated Moses. I guess he somehow broke the pen and managed to fall down the well. After a few attempts at engineering a rescue for old Jordie, including calling in the help of my dad and siblings. High stress events. Bill decided that this was for the best. That he had been meaning to fill the hole and that Jordie was bound to die any day now. He determined that the accident saved him from having to dig a hole for Jordie – and the best thing to do was to just fill the hole. Looking back, there was a way more humane way of doing this. Brazos river valley rural mentality places a different value on the life of its animals and the circle of life is seen constantly. So, we began to shovel dirt into the hole. At first Jordie wasn’t having it. I imagine each shovel hitting him in the face. About ten minutes into it the Braying intensified and sounded almost unearthly. I figured Jordie had just gotten the nature of Bill’s plan and that he was about to be buried alive. Poor old thing. About an hour into it. The braying had stopped, and the work started getting very old. Me thinking the whole time what it would be like if I had fallen into the Silo. Looking over at my dad and my siblings tossing shovels of dirt into the pit. Angry with beads of sweat streaming down their faces. I decided they would look like that as they buried me alive. Cursing me for having been dumb enough as to fall into the Silo hole. They’d do the same to me. My fatalistic fantasy about my sibling betrayals was interrupted by my sister screaming out WTF.
Up popped Jordie out of the well with a decent jump for a dinosaur right out of the pit. Dusty, Dirty and unharmed trotted past us and Bill as if we didn’t just try and burry him or even that we were even there! So Jordie decided after the first few shovels of dirt hit his head that he wasn’t going to just let it go. He decided to shake it off and with each shake off the dirt he would just step up. Shake and Step. Shake and Step. Every shovel of dirt meant to spell out his demise was used instead to elevate him instead. The dirt became how he survived the fall.
Don’t discard things that cause you pain or trouble from your past. Carry them with you, learn from the pain, and let it propel you forward. Use these experiences to motivate, teach, and benefit you. Embrace the past, shake it off, and take a step forward.
Shake and Step.
