Haven’t we worn the word toxic out yet? My feeds are essentially saturated with the word and I hear it at least four times before my 3rd cup of morning coffee. I encounter many people through individual and couples counseling who will use the word to describe a type of relationship that it would seems happens to them. They are victimized by it. Subjected to it.
In relationships – almost anything is possible and certain dynamics are almost always probable. I’m not pointing to fault the word so much as the implicit idea that is underlyng toxicityships. The ship sufficx gives a clue as to why the feeling of being bound to a type of gathering, or attached to a social skill, or complicity over a period of time among members of the ship.
I am always reticent to use the word toxic as a description of the human relationship dynamic and entirely against the use of the word to describe people. It is, of course, a popularly and widely used word. I think that a more accurate way of conceptualizing it is patterned trauma. Just doesn’t have the same ring to it, I know.
Toxicity implies there is an inherent lack of personal ability to remedy dynamics or it requires an equally separate antidote to do so. For a minute let’s work with the idea of toxicity and I can offer one practical suggestion to improve the dynamic.
Imagine the toxicity as a drop of poison in a cup of water which represents the relationship. Perhaps the poison is a hidden resentment, jealousy, unforgiven trespass, trauma, or some form of bitter anger – enough to pollute, damage, or render the relationship dysfunctional. There is little that can be done to remove the drop of poison from the water. If, as is the habit in many relationships, we focus on defining and honing in on the nature of the poison – we may preserve the relationship from having additional drops of the poison – but not creating a functional relationship – potable water without poison.
Using the metaphor (which I may be overusing a bit), if the goal is a functional (potable water) relationship then the task of rendering the poison impotent is better facilitated by adding more water to the cup and diluting the dysfunction and rendering its toxicity ineffective. Adopt an attitude of allowance in the relationship – meaning what can be added that is functional and healthy. Accept that there is a degree of non-functionality that may always be present and there can still be simultaneous work on improving that. What is good about the relationship? What are its strengths? Articulate and lend energy, time, space, and attention towards what is right. Amplify those things instead of focusing on how to get the drop out of the cup, just add more water so that the drop loses its toxicity.
I understand this is an oversimplification of what I imagine is a complex and cross generational patterned trauma. I suggest some reflective engagement with reflection work. Certainly, responsibility for creating dysfunctional relationship patterns is shared, but opportunity for disrupting pattern is fully yours. Work through questions similar to those below – to help understand potential contributions
Do I have unhealthy patterns of coping?
1. What do I do when I’m ________________________ (put emotion in blank)?
2. How do I deal with people that are ______________________ (put emotion in the blank)?
3. When I’m having a bad day I like to _____________________ (put activity in the blank)?
4. When I feel negative emotions towards someone: Am I able to talk to them about it calmly? Why not?
5. Do I take time to think about something carefully before talking with someone?
6. When something goes wrong do I find a solution to fix the problem? Or, do I become _________________ (put emotion here)?
7. What are healthy ways that I deal with ___________________ (put emotion here)?
8. Do you have problem admitting you did something wrong – even when it wasn’t done on purpose?
9. Do you given into what people want, just to keep the peace?
Do I have unhealthy patterns of thinking?
1. Do you get over things quickly or really slowly?
2. Do you think about the same event over and over again?
3. When someone does something sketchy do you assume they are a horrible person? Do you constantly question people’s motives?
4. Do you feel like people are saying things to hurt you all the time?
5. Do you feel everyone is attacking you?
6. Do you think everyone else is the problem? Do a lot of things bother you?
7. Do you feel guilty when you say no or point out someone’s issues?
8. Do you believe that there is no way out of your problems?
Do I have unhealthy patterns of behaving ?
1. When you’re mad can you control what you say or how you behave?
2. Do you lash out on people?
3. Do you understand how your behavior could cause someone else to behave poorly?
4. Do you know how to communicate kindly when something is bothering you?
5. Are emotions controlling you ? Or, can you control yourself when you feel emotional?
6. Do you avoid telling people the truth because you don’t want them to get upset?
7. Do you try to find solutions to patterns you see in your life? Does anything change when you put the solution into action?
I encourage focus on relationship strengths, positive attributes, and healthy characteristics. Simultaneously, examine patterns contributing to the dynamic. I also encourage seeking out help from a professional or a trusted objective confidant who help explore and generate suggestions for change.
