A potential client recently made this statement to me:
“just want someone to love me for who i am. I am tired of being alone at nights i want to know what am i doing wrong or what do i have to do please help”
I found it difficult to answer them directly, having very little if any other information. Instead I spoke directly to the ‘spirit’ of few words welling up from them.
“I hear the unhappiness, the desperation, the exhaustion, the self battle occuring without much in terms of excuses or details to get lost through.
I think it would be a better approach to stop any battle with yourself or demands or expectations. Who said you had to be happy? Who said you were doing somethign wrong? Who said you shouldn’t be alone at night? Who said you had to do anything?
IF you want change, that is fine – but be sure you are wishing of yourself and that your wishing is cast in the space of the future – not the past, and not the present. In the present you can start by giving yourself some permissions. Permission to not be happy, permission to be lonely. Hell you can give yourself any permission to feel or to think whatever you want to.
Why do you assume that you are doing something wrong? There is no thing wrong with being alone. It isn’t for some ideal, but it is worth knowing and learning to be okay with. You will find yourself continuously alone – even when in the throws of a relationship with all of your grandkids surrounding you – there will be this thought of being alone.
Wanting someone to love you for who you are. (i love these two words ‘i am’) I become curious about your ‘who i am.’ How do you love you? You can’t want someone else to do the work that you have to do for you. Love is not something that you will be able to receive as if it is a thing out there to be given you, stumble into, fall into, or find. Love (as I see it) is nothing more than what you choose to receive as love. Certainly someone can look you dead in the eye and say “I love you” and lie and do any number of horrible things in the name of love and what is “good for you.” Many people receive that lie and accept those horrible things because their self-love is out of equilibrium.
Imagine a mason jar with three different colored liquids in it. (google ‘density jar’ for a visual). The bottom layer represents the ‘love’ that you give other people (it works whatever way you want to concept love). The middle layer is the love that you perceive from other people. The top layer represent the way that you give and perceive love from yourself. All is contained in the jar – yourself. People who have very little self love will have a thin top layer and thus less dense bottom layers where love come and goes very easily – they give love to people who don’ t need it and receive love to people who don’t mean it. People who a lot of self love (too much) will have a thick top layer and thus very dense bottom layers where love does not move very easily to be perceived or to be given. The only layer that you (the self) can access in order to regulate these layers to equilibrium is the top layer in the jar. How you give and receive to yourself. The goal isn’t quantity or volume but in regulation through accurate adjustment with a mentality that is favorable to the self and not antagonizing it.
By attending to yourself and regulating your self love – you will be showing others how to treat you. (my rendition of the golden rule). If you aren’t perceivin g love from others – look at how you are treating yourself. Are you loving you, engaged in your interests, taking care or your health, hygein, and home? Do you do nice things for you? Do you give yourself words of affirmation? Do you give yourself a break and get reset? Do you hug yourself? Do you buy yourself gifts?
It may not be about what you are doing wrong – there doesn’t need to be a list of things that I give about what not to do – it might just be a list of things that you can allow instead of prohibit. What can you allow that is self-loving? Can your ‘i am’ be self-loving, too. Allow yourself permission.
I’d be happy to work with you to support you along that journey and offer clarity if I’ve stired questions and a collaborator if you are wanting to create change and transformation. Reach out.”
