My 5th grade science teacher, Ms. Landry, wisely told us every story had three truths. Your version, my version, and then the actual truth. At the time her wisdom didn’t land on me, however, over time I have begun to appreciate her lesson. Two people can have the same experience, yet have very different interpretations of what happened. Core beliefs are deeply held beliefs influencing how we interpret our experiences.
Think of core beliefs like a pair of sunglasses. Everyone has a different “shade” causing them to see things differently. You meet a new person and think about asking them to go out for coffee. You might have a negative set of shades that says “I’m not worthy.” Through the lens of this belief you might begin to think “Why would they ever go out with me?” and adopt a behavior that reinforces that belief – Deciding not to ask said person out for coffee. Alternatively, you might have a more productive core belief that says “I am worthy.” Seeing the world through these shades you might instead think “We might have fun if we go out together” and adopt behaviors that reinforce that belief – ask said person to coffee.
Negative core beliefs have harmful consequences. I am not here to tell you what not to think – and hopefully you are learning to become less prohibitive and more allowing in your thinking overall. In order to challenge any negative beliefs that you do have, or to reframe them, you will first need to identify what they are.
Some examples of core beliefs are: I’m unlovable. The world is a dangerous place. I’m not smart. I’m a bad person. People are out to get me. I’m abnormal. Once you have identified your core beliefs, try and list three pieces of evidence to negate or to the contrary.
To some this will be enough to begin to color the shades differently and break apart the core belief and begin replacing it with felt truths and experience. For others this might be a difficult thing to do and it may seem as if it is disingenuous. If this is the case then there may be some truth to the core belief itself. A different approach is in order.
There are times we will run into an uncomfortable truth beyond our control. It can be easy to think “This isn’t fair” or “I shouldn’t have this problem”, even though those ways of thinking only make the pain worse. Radical acceptance refers to a healthier way of thinking during these situations. Instead of focusing on how you would like something to be different, you will recognize and accept the truth, problem or situation as it is. Remember, accepting is not the same as liking or condoning something.
Learning to accept things as they are, especially those that are out of your control, will lead to less anxiety, anger, and sadness when dealing with them. It is from a place of acceptance that you will be able to revisit your core beliefs and move from an “either or” mentality to one a mentality of “and also.”
This enables you to modify your core beliefs through allowance. I’m unlovable when I am acting unlovable and I am not always acting this way. The world can be dangerous and I can be cautious and careful in it. I’m not smart here and I’m working on it. I’m a bad person and a good person, too. People are out trying to survive. I’m abnormal and that is perfectly normal.
What you believe and how you manage your viewpoint determines (to a great deal-but not entirely) your experience. This week spend some time identifying your core beliefs and how to work with them so they are healthy and productive.
